nameless and miscellaneous

Adorable, cuddly, lovable cats free to a good home. Only giving them away because I will be living with my future husband soon and he is allergic and asthmatic. I’ll miss them. :( They are great cats! Litter box trained, neutered/spayed/vaccinated, great health, no problems, only scratch their scratching posts.

• MERLIN is the male cat (all black, neutered). Lap cat, loves to cuddle, playful, purrs a lot even while his claws are being trimmed, loves treats!  Very friendly and loves to be held. He doesn’t seem to care about catnip at all.

• ROXY is the female cat (calico, spayed). Sweet and shy, warms up quickly. Not a “lap cat” but she likes to be pet and will sometimes lie near you. Purrs when you pet her and even when held, as long you hold her carefully and make her feel safe. She may hide under the bed at first, but soon enough she’ll be affectionate. Loves catnip!

• Vaccinations: Both cats are up to date on their vaccinations as of 6-6-10 (Rabies (1yr), Rhinotracheitis, Calcivirus, Distemper, and Chlamydia) – these are vaccinations designed for cats who are strictly indoors. See www.petdocfl.com for inexpensive vaccination options. Otherwise they are in great health! I’ve been fortunate and have not had to take them to the vet once (other than for vaccinations).

• Good with dogs? Since March 2009 they have lived by themselves (no other pets, just humans), however, prior to that, they lived in a home that had a dog, so they might be able to get used to living with a dog again.

• Special considerations: Food - Giving these cats milk will cause diarrhea. Because they are indoor cats, I’ve given them indoor weight management cat food made by Nutro (available at PetsMart) and it has kept them slimmer. Although they are not brother and sister, they have lived together since they were kittens, but I am willing to separate them if necessary in order to find them good homes. Also, they have not seemed to be able to figure out how a DOOR works for a litter box! Their litter box is covered but I took off the swinging door.

Included accessories: Two cat tower/scratching posts, cat toys, bowls, automatic feeder, new covered litter box and mat, nail trimmers, and more.

Please email Heather at h.m.armstrong AT Gmail for more information or if interested!

(Written Feb ‘08)

So as most of you now know, I’ve been single for a while now, and living alone since September ‘07. Months ago I told a couple of my friends that I had this intuitive feeling that the man who will eventually become my husband… I will not meet online.

This is not because I am closed-minded to online personals, because I’m not. I met Tony through Match.com, and some other people on my friends list too. I’ve just had this feeling that it just won’t happen that way, for whatever reason.

Logically, this doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, because where the hell would I meet someone? The grocery store? I can be friendly with strangers sometimes but geez. What, would he be squeezing melons for ripeness and I’d come over and offer mine for squeezing? Eeehhhh, just not seeing it. But I try to have faith and follow my gut feelings, to some extent at least, because usually when I ignore them I get kicked in the ass later on. That’s right, I get kicked in the ass by life.

I’m not even really officially “looking” right now, but everyone pressures me to look at online personals and sign up and yatta yatta, so I do. I have crumbled under the peer pressure.

On top of the feeling that this just isn’t the path for me, looking at personals ads pretty much amounts to frustration due to the LOW QUALITY of people out there. Seriously, I cannot believe the onslaught of suckage that I am constantly confronted with every time I browse personals ads.

One of the most annoying things is the absolute minimal effort so many men seem to put in their profiles. Some people might say, “Oh, well, you never know! He might be really fun in person – give him a chance!” But no, he is getting no chance from me… if you put that little freakin’ effort into your profile, how could I possibly expect much at all from you? And why should I bear the burden of trying to pull information out of you that you don’t readily volunteer? Can I get a Heeellll No? If your profile sucks, it is only fair to conclude that you suck.

I have attempted to capture a glimpse of the sucktastic bachelors below.

On a positive note, if you’re feeling bad about yourself, just look at some personals ads. You’ll feel better.

Disclaimer: While writing this, my most mean, impatient, judgmental and frustrated side was allowed to express itself. I am not really a mean person, I promise. But these people… seriously… would make anyone go “holy crap, could you be any dumber?”

Part I:
Profile Suckage:

“I am just looking for someone who I feel comfortable with”

Yeah, aren’t we all? Maybe you can DESCRIBE HER????

“I don’t really know what to write about myself”

Dude, no one really knows what the fuck to write about themselves, but you have to write something, otherwise your profile will just get skipped over… The fact that somehow you have failed to realize this just makes your profile scream “dumbass”

“I just graduated school and I am just looking for someone to spend some time with”

Seriously, could this be the most boring profile EVER? You didn’t even mention what your degree was in. God ya know, you’re really making me want you, cuz I’m really into guys who just graduated school. And someone to spend time with? That’s like, totally me.

“I don’t know what to write but my friends say I am playful. I am really into chemistry so if you like what you see send me a wink.”

‘Like what I see’? You mean from that crapass, barely-larger-than-my-mouse-cursor, blurry image of you in an overcoat with sunglasses and a hat on outside somewhere on a foggy ass day? I can’t even tell what RACE you are. That just really ignites my fire – technologically incompetent men. Mmmm, I’m feeling the chemistry now, baby. Actually ya know what… I’m not really into “chemistry” – I prefer to have none at all.

“I’m looking for a woman who doesn’t play games, isn’t the jealous type, lets me spend time with the guys a few nights a week, isn’t a bitch about everything, and isn’t too clingy or needy.”

To actually put this crap in a place where you are supposed to be “putting your best foot forward” leads to only one translation: Hi. I come with a lot of emotional baggage, and not much emotional maturity. Additionally, my brain is currently suffering from low levels of serotonin.

“Body Type: Curvy”

Here’s a hint, man: I don’t think you’re supposed to select Curvy as your body type. I think “Curvy” is supposed to be reserved for women, mmkay.

Part II:
Headline Suckage:

These are ACTUAL headlines taken from ACTUAL dating sites.
Hard to believe, I know.

“REAL MAN OF GENUIES”

Uhh? Genuine, genius, genies? Are you trying to say you are a man of GENIUS? Because I think a real genius could actually spell the word GENIUS, you liar.

“Its my island” [a man who lives in Merritt Island]

What, do you think that’s funny, or cute, or something? It’s YOUR island? Hardy har har! By the way, nice misuse of the word its – the possessive, not contraction, form.

“What am I doing here?”

I don’t know… I don’t know what you’re doing here, either, dumb fuck. Here’s a clue: the purpose of a headline is to tell us women why you are here, not to ask us to tell you. To start off right from the bat asking perfect strangers to tell you what the fuck you’re doing here, you’re just headed for Pussy Whipdom.

“i want to make familly if you ready talk with me”

Holy crap. I thought this was supposed to be like a man’s worst nightmare, when a woman pulls the baby card from the beginning…not the man saying it himself. Something is very wrong here.

“Peanuts!!! Fresh - Roasted - Peanuts!!!”

Finally. Now this is the headline I have been waiting to read for a long, long time. Bravo on your excellent use of silliness and exclamation points (an excellent combo, might I add).

“Looking for someone to spend some time with”

Could you BE any more dull?  Isn’t that what we’re all looking for?  Oh wait, no, actually, cuz I’m looking for someone to just chat with online from time to time.

“I’m a Simple Guy, Looking for a Simple Girl!”

I don’t even think this headline needs commenting on.

“HELLO THERE BEAUTIFUL LADIES HOW R U”

When I read this headline, I basically just hear it in my mind as Borat stepping into a room while rubbing his chest with his hands in a manner similar to the way Pat on SNL used to do.

“a good lover”

The fact that you have this as your headline – the very first thing a woman reads – just makes me wonder. And not in a good way, either.

“GREENEYED MEXICAN LIGHT SKINNED”

Considering your username is GREENEYES863, apparently you feel that merely having green eyes is your most attractive feature. After reading your profile, I must agree.

“im lazy”

Too lazy for even an apostrophe, let alone a capital letter, and writing a headline that’s actually interesting or catchy or charming or funny? That takes like way too much energy, dude. NEXT!

“lookin for Mrs rt”

Good luck finding her, I’ve never met anyone with that last name. Bonus points for using a personals ads service in place of a people-finding service.

“if you are looking for mister right you got him!!!”

That’s a bit presumptuous of you, no? Really, even if you are in fact “mister right” for one lucky (or not so lucky) lady, considering that your main profile image shows you wearing a baseball cap with sunglasses and an unlit cigarette just dangling out of your closed, frowning mouth, she’s probably not much of a winner herself.

“new to this but work with me and maybe i can work”

I’m sorry, apparently you didn’t realize there was a character limit on your headline. Or maybe you do actually mean to say that maybe if a woman kicks you around enough, you might get a job one day. Sign me up for that… Sexxaaayyyyyyy!

“I give up”

I’d give up if I were you, too. It sounds like your life must not be going very well. I suspect one of your many problems might be that you have absolutely no idea how to attract a woman.

“weman love me for me daddylong”

Ugh, gawd. Are you retarded?

“personality every woman wants, n looks no1 wants”

Are you serious? Is this a joke? I’m not sure whether to laugh or feel sad inside.

“lonley”

Somehow, I’m not surprised. It’s one thing to put LONELY* (*notice the spelling error) as your headline, but on top of that, misspell it.

“I am looking for girls in central Florida area!”

Why the exclamation point?  Am I supposed to be excited by that? Like ALRIGHT, HE’S LOOKING FOR GIRLS IN CENTRAL FLORIDA!!!! I FIT IN THAT CATEGORY!!!! I MIGHT HAVE A CHANCE!!!!!

“30 year old male looking for ture love”

This is like that resume that gets instantly shredded because it says “Objective: Seeking a challinging position as a Grafic Desiner.”

“My eyes”

Your eyes, really? Apparently you mixed up the “Headline” field with the “What is your best feature?” field. Nice going, pal.

PART II.a:
Username Suckage:

“Daddylongstroke” – uhhh, no.

“bpmmindless” – nothing says SEXY like MINDLESS in your username!

“DecentGuy043FL” – not a great guy, not an amazing guy, not even a GOOD guy… just a DECENT guy – that’s what I want.

“NY-STLYEZ” I love a man who can’t spell, and does it with STLYE!

Funboy20061 says “Funboy looking for Fungirl to share fun, exitement” Exitement, huh? Is that like exiting? I have a feeling there will be a lot of that in your life, Funboy.